October 9, 2014

This was the date.

This was the date I will remember.

The morning of this date I was outside in the parking lot of our 8447 apartment 308 lot.

It was drizzling and freezing cold outside.

But none of that mattered because today was the last day I would see you for two more weeks.

Nothing in this moment matter besides making sure I got as many kisses and hugs from you as I could.

But, I never expected something like this…

You held me tightly as my hands wrapped around your neck and each of my fingers clung tightly to your jacket. I didn’t want you to go, not now, not yet. But you had to go. So I stood there, wrapped in your embrace and whimpered. I’ve dealt with this before, but for some reason this time was different. I had spent the last two weeks having emotional breakdowns, trying my hardest to keep back the tears, until, on occasion they would just fall out when I would be looking at you or watching you do something, knowing that in a few days I wouldn’t be able to have that opportunity for a while. So it was expected this morning that I would cry, but I held myself together the best I could, just letting out a few sobs to let you know that I was still really going to miss you. You hugged me tighter and said, “I know I don’t tell you this often enough but…. I really do love you.”

I started weeping at the sound of those words. The words I used to silently beg you to say, these three words that I used to wait for day-upon-day to hear. These three words that I had told myself that I needed to be patient and had convinced myself that I was comfortable with hearing whenever you decided you were ready to say them to me.

Well, the time felt extremely right.

But, why then, was I suddenly panicking? Why did my heart begin to race and I didn’t know how to respond? I had been waiting for this moment. A moment I so easily shared with high school boyfriends…? It was because it felt right. I was scared to tell you that I loved you, scared of the opportunity to lose you, scared to open my heart up to you, although I was the one who always felt like I was pushing you to tell me that you loved me before you were ready. And now here I am, panicking in the moment, not knowing what to say. So I said exactly how I felt…

“I want you to know that I love you too. But I don’t want this to replace the act of showing love. We have spent the last few years building our relationship on showing each other that we love each other instead of using words that are easily taken for granted. I don’t want that to change.”

And you accepted it and agreed.

I think it says a lot that I thought about what I was saying before I chose to say it back. I think it says a lot about our relationship and about how I feel about him. We’ve been together for almost 2 and a half years and it’s just hitting me that I’m afraid to lose him, so I’m super cautious. I’ve never worried about this before. But I think it’s a good worry. I do love him, and I have felt love for him for awhile now, I just wanted to make sure he was the one who was ready to say it first, I had already practiced saying it by the things I do for him and how I treat him.

I’ve felt different ever since that morning. I’ve felt like I’m on top of the world, that my life is moving forward and all my worries are gone. I suppose that’s what they say about love, it’s blinding. Well, I like these love goggles, they make me feel drunk with love and happiness, a feeling that’s been so distant for such an extremely long time.

Two nights later I received a text message on my phone at 1:34am, “I really love you so much. You’re so amazing.

What a wonderful message to wake up to.

Hey babes, I love you too. 🙂

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